Theo was the youngest boy in his preschool class. He was 3 years old when he started and one of the oldest kids was nearly 6. Theo loved playing with the older boys and fit in easily. One of the boys, who didn’t seem to fit in as well, lived nearby and his mom asked if the boys could have a playdate. Sam seemed like a nice enough kid so Theo said yes and we planned an afternoon at Sam’s house.
When we arrived, Sam was upstairs and refused to come down. When he finally did come down, he told Theo that he had a birthday party that weekend but Theo wasn’t invited. Although my heart hurt for Theo hearing this conversation, I decided to see how things played out once the kids warmed up to each other. We all walked to the park together and I watched as Sam kept running away from Theo and avoided playing with him. Theo kept trying, but it didn’t seem to be working. Sam’s mom somewhat tried to encourage the play, although in my opinion, she didn’t try hard enough. Finally, after realizing this wasn’t working, I suggested we head back to the house. As we walked back, I heard Sam saying that he was glad this playdate was over and didn’t want Theo to come into his home. I felt so awful for allowing the playdate and just wanted to leave immediately. The rejection was upsetting, even though Theo didn’t seem as upset.
When we got in the car, Theo asked me why I thought Sam didn’t want to play with him. “Well, bud, I think Sam just doesn’t know how to be a friend. He hasn’t learned yet.” “Ok,” said Theo. “I’m glad you were with me so you can play with me. You know how to be my friend.” I squeezed his hand and tried to let the upsetting afternoon go, knowing that my son was going to be fine.
Over the next few months, I would get report from Theo or his teacher about incidents that happened between Theo and Sam. One time, Theo built a big MagnaTile tower and Sam knocked it down. Another time, Sam asked a few of the older boys to play but told Theo he wasn’t included. And on another day, Theo tried to have lunch at Sam’s table and he moved to another table.
Despite this, everyday when Theo got in the car, he would open the window and say goodbye to all of the kids leaving school, including Sam. And all of the kids said goodbye to Theo, except for Sam. One day, after being frustrated for him, I said, “You know, you don’t have to say goodbye to Sam if he doesn’t say it to you. It’s ok that you’re not friends. You can be friends with some kids and not others.” And Theo responded, “It’s ok, mama. I like to say goodbye to everyone. And I know that one day, Sam will be my friend.” I didn’t say anything back and just let Theo continue to be the sweet kid that he always was.
On the last day of school, Theo excitedly got into the car. He was showing me all of his artwork when there was a knock on the car window. It was Sam, smiling at Theo. We put the window down and Sam said, “Bye, Theo. I hope we can have a playdate this summer!” And Theo casually responded, “Bye, Sam. See you soon.”
As we pulled away, I looked at Theo and laughed. “Well, kiddo, you were right about Sam.” “I told you, mama,” he said. “How’d you know that he would be your friend?” “I just taught him. You told me he didn’t know how to be a friend yet. So I knew that he needed to learn. And I’m really good at being a friend. I decided to teach him. That’s why I kept trying to play with him when he knocked my tower over. And that’s why I tried to sit with him at lunch. And that’s why I said bye to him everyday. I think he was lonely without any friends and I have so many friends. I think we have to teach each other by being nice.” And that was it. A lesson from my now 4 year old on friendship.
